Send me i'll go (unless it's uncomfortable)

No graphics or pretty pics tonight, just my heart! This has truly been a season of stretching (pulling, tugging, rolling....you get the picture) and as uncomfortable and sometimes painful as it's been I can't dismiss that I've felt the presence of the Lord at every turn. I have complained and wanted to turn back more often than I can count and i'll be the first to admit that I don't foresee feeling truly comfortable in my new surroundings. As I was writing in my journal and "attempting" to get into the word this morning I thought of how difficult this journey has been for me. To some and sometimes even to me, my "problems" seem so microscopic compared to some of the problems that other people face, yet they feel so humongous at the time that i'm going through them. As I was writing I realized that i'm most uncomfortable when i'm being prodded and poked and every uncomfortable poke has resulted into something wonderful and for every painful prod, I've been forced to move on to dreams and goals from the past and even new ones. From an early age I knew what I wanted to be and though I immediately started working on it out of high school, I've had many delays yet I know that it will eventually come to pass because it's something that was spoken over my life and that I've prayed about since I was eleven and if I know nothing else, I know that even when God doesn't move in our timing his promises never go unfounded. So, while I was journaling I thought about how often I've said, "Lord, send me, i'll go" and as I've pondered that I've had to question whether i truly mean it? I mean I have constantly said and thought how great it would be to be a missionary family where my children would get to see how different and similar others live, how fortunate we are in our country, and how much God truly loves all of his children. I think that being a missionary is one of the greatest faith builders that any Christian could go through, but here I am a few cities away from where we began raising our family and shamefully i feel displaced, angry at the differences between the two cities, judgmental of the people, and so unlike my "glass half full" self. In my moment of self reflection I've realized that I've been willing to go where i'm comfortable, Jonah much? and where I've been uncomfortable, i can't say that I've been the picture of Jesus...Thank you Lord for grace! This journey so far has not only been uncomfortable and enlightening, but also a journey of maturity. In places where I've previously felt mature, I am having to re-examine and let God work through them. I've had to question who I am as a woman, wife, and mother of God when everything isn't roses. Mostly I've had to acknowledge that I am just now finding out what it means to truly trust God, that "use me" or "send me" is NOT for the faint of heart and trusting him truly means trusting him because you won't always see the road clearly. Throughout this journey I am seeing the word in action because I can truly say that God has never left me or forsaken me even when i've wanted to throw up the white flag, tuck my tail in, and run all the way back to my comfortable spot! I don't quite know where God is leading my family, but I am determined to get out of and stay out of his way and follow him!