Just when I thought I had it

Philippians 4:6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"

Contentment that is! Argh. So the back story is that my family and I moved 2 1/2 years ago, the move has been less than pleasant and I've found myself praying, confused, and just down right discontent with this new place and my new role in it. I don't do resolutions for the new year, but I will reflect and set goals or pray about areas in my life that need more of God in them (I.e. helping me to remain positive when I want to be really negative). So, at the beginning of this year I decided that I would put all of my strength in finding contentment in this move.....it has been 2 years, right? I prayed and gave all of my negative feelings about it to God and decided that I would have peace with the move until God moved us or showed me that there was a purpose here because Lord knows I have yet to see one. I hadn't had any completely negative thoughts since then, but lately I've began feeling like I want to move again and with that feeling always comes mega confusion. We did pray before the move, we did get our church's blessing, & doors opened supernaturally and even with all of that I have never been comfortable here, we've had many battles, moved churches 3 times, & there's just an overall sense of discontentment....God wouldn't move us from order to chaos! Yet I think that there has to be a lesson here. Either way I can't say that I am good at tests, even when I think that I've mastered one and grown in some way or another (whether I've gained more patience or discernment, etc.) I find myself thrust into a new one and feeling like I'm failing. When I am weak, he is strong and in this season that's what I have to keep holding on to! 

Homeschool, Private School, Ahhhhh!

Hebrews 10:36 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised"

Decisions, decisions! Don't you just hate them? Alright, so not really, but I would be a much more sane person if I didn't have to make so many hard ones....mainly when I want to be selfish & then something forces me to see my own selfish ways! That's when i think to myself that sometimes being an adult is mushy apples....No, not the good apple sauce kind, but the rotten 'left in the cabinet too long' kind.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I was beyond positive that I was sending my older four to private school because we would have a new baby and I didn't see how I would get it all done!

I must admit that i made the decision mid horrible morning sickness and I'd also had a moment in the beginning where this felt like my first pregnancy and i'd forgotten that there was a time when I had four kids under age 5 and made it through, but nonetheless the picture in my head of homeschooling 4 w/ a baby looked pretty bad!!!

picture in my head....thanks planned parenthood!

I didn't even pray about it, it was more of a "thank you God for the opportunity, it's been a good run" type of thing. I was so sure of this decision that I scheduled a few tours, took care of the financial stuff, and started looking at uniforms. Oh, they were in private school come next fall!

I was so sure this whole pregnancy and then in this last trimester I've finally been forced to ask God about it because I wasn't sure anymore. There was this whole women's conference thing where I remembered my mission to my children. Then I met women with questions that made me reflect on why we began in the first place. All of this finally made me ask, Is this what God would have me to do? If I felt called to do it in the first place, does a new baby change that?

So, here I am looking at new curriculum and planning on changing our approach from eclectic to classical this summer...drastic, right? Just when i thought it was over....I am still in prayer about it, but I think that the decision for me has been made pretty clear.

Shaken

I'm a planner. I will be the first to admit that I like to know the what? the when? the how? the who? and the why? and please give me time to prepare for them all. In other words, I am a control freak! Yes, i said it and as hard as it is to admit, it's the truth! To say that I planned our move down to the second two years ago would be an understatement. My husband and I discussed, we prayed, we visited, and then we prayed some more. Doors began to open, Our church family gave us their blessing and prayed for and with us, A job was basically handed to us (literally), we found the house and the "best school in the district" too.....everything was perfect and there was no way that things could go wrong.

I'm a planner. Did I mention that? I would learn that my need to have everything planned actually meant that I liked to be in control, who knew? At the beginning of our move I was more than certain that this was a "God move" because there were far too many things that happened supernaturally to get us here and nothing could shake my resolve. So, when a week into our move my husband's new job started requiring more hours than are in a day, I prayed. When my children's school seemed to do everything in it's power to push me out, I prayed. When it seemed that we didn't quite fit in at any church, I prayed. When the battles seemed to mess with my body, I prayed. For every obstacle I prayed and even better I still had my prayer partners back home waiting for my call so that they could help me pray those obstacles back to hell where they belonged, but even still my neat little plan seemed to be unraveling at every seam. (Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there in the midst of them")

I am the oldest child of three and I've always been called the "strong one" by everyone even as a child....my husband even picked up saying it to me when we got together. So to say that absolutely nothing should get the best of me would be an accurate statement or so I was always taught to believe. I'm the one that's supposed to let life throw darts and never get hit like one of those super heroes that has a movie produced in his/her name once a year, but here I was a year and a half into this move and fighting far too many darts for my own human strength so this "strong one" was out for the count! I won't lie, my strength was zapped and my white flag was coming out. I was giving up, who signed up for this anyway? My prayers began to change from, "Lord, you see this problem, deal with it" to "Lord, send me back to my old life!" Seriously, pre-move life was great! My church home was fantastic, My children's school was beyond amazing, and my career allowed me to work from home and around my children plus, bring in extra money. It was near perfect except for my husband feeling unfulfilled in his career, but hey! my life was good and this new one wasn't so, I was ready for God to send us back to complacent city.

After all of my planning this move looked nothing like I imagined. The road was bumpy and out of my control and I didn't like it at all! My marriage looked different, my children were acting different, the churches were different, even the same organizations that I volunteered for in my old city were different, but most of all I was beginning to seem different. I couldn't really identify with the Proverbs 31 woman anymore. I wasn't the "strong one" and I often resembled a three year old thrown into a big tantrum during my talks with God until i eventually stopped talking or listening. I was frustrated because I didn't understand this journey or season. I was depressed because we did everything right before the move and I didn't understand why we were being tested. Why was satan seeming to win? I wonder if Job felt that way?

After months of laying prostrate I got a swift kick in the butt. Whose am I? What was the difference between here and now and then and there? The truth is that i was complacent before. It was easy to trust God because i'd had no real tests. My husband had a flexible job so he was there for everything (plays, doctor's visits, etc.), Even when I felt called to homeschool I never stepped out and did it because the kids were in an amazing school that I volunteered at three times a week. I knew my ministry went beyond church, but i was already singing in the choir, working kids church & VBS every year so that was enough, right? From the very beginning of my career God was preparing me for my own business but i worked for a great christian man w/ an amazing testimony so, there was really no need to fix what wasn't broken! What was the difference? All of those "obstacles" were making me step out on the things that I knew God had called me for. The difference was that in this new place and new season "trusting God" took on a new more literal meaning! I had to trust him for real because i was in some real battles ( Ephesians 6:12 "for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in heavenly places") My marriage was at stake, my children were at stake, my faith was at stake, my very life was at stake. Giving him total control over this move while in the midst of these battles was hard and for awhile I didn't get it and was trying to fight in my own strength, but ultimately HE was the only way that I survived. It was in my weakness that i found strength! When I was at the very edge of the cliff ready to jump that I got my wings (Isaiah 40:31 "but those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint")

In my own own strength I found out that it was nonexistent. I was shaken and while being shaken I've also had to stepped out on faith and into my purpose. If you are facing a battle, don't give up! trust that God has you and your situation. Who do you belong to?