Just when I thought I had it

Philippians 4:6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"

Contentment that is! Argh. So the back story is that my family and I moved 2 1/2 years ago, the move has been less than pleasant and I've found myself praying, confused, and just down right discontent with this new place and my new role in it. I don't do resolutions for the new year, but I will reflect and set goals or pray about areas in my life that need more of God in them (I.e. helping me to remain positive when I want to be really negative). So, at the beginning of this year I decided that I would put all of my strength in finding contentment in this move.....it has been 2 years, right? I prayed and gave all of my negative feelings about it to God and decided that I would have peace with the move until God moved us or showed me that there was a purpose here because Lord knows I have yet to see one. I hadn't had any completely negative thoughts since then, but lately I've began feeling like I want to move again and with that feeling always comes mega confusion. We did pray before the move, we did get our church's blessing, & doors opened supernaturally and even with all of that I have never been comfortable here, we've had many battles, moved churches 3 times, & there's just an overall sense of discontentment....God wouldn't move us from order to chaos! Yet I think that there has to be a lesson here. Either way I can't say that I am good at tests, even when I think that I've mastered one and grown in some way or another (whether I've gained more patience or discernment, etc.) I find myself thrust into a new one and feeling like I'm failing. When I am weak, he is strong and in this season that's what I have to keep holding on to! 

Homeschool, Private School, Ahhhhh!

Hebrews 10:36 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised"

Decisions, decisions! Don't you just hate them? Alright, so not really, but I would be a much more sane person if I didn't have to make so many hard ones....mainly when I want to be selfish & then something forces me to see my own selfish ways! That's when i think to myself that sometimes being an adult is mushy apples....No, not the good apple sauce kind, but the rotten 'left in the cabinet too long' kind.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I was beyond positive that I was sending my older four to private school because we would have a new baby and I didn't see how I would get it all done!

I must admit that i made the decision mid horrible morning sickness and I'd also had a moment in the beginning where this felt like my first pregnancy and i'd forgotten that there was a time when I had four kids under age 5 and made it through, but nonetheless the picture in my head of homeschooling 4 w/ a baby looked pretty bad!!!

picture in my head....thanks planned parenthood!

I didn't even pray about it, it was more of a "thank you God for the opportunity, it's been a good run" type of thing. I was so sure of this decision that I scheduled a few tours, took care of the financial stuff, and started looking at uniforms. Oh, they were in private school come next fall!

I was so sure this whole pregnancy and then in this last trimester I've finally been forced to ask God about it because I wasn't sure anymore. There was this whole women's conference thing where I remembered my mission to my children. Then I met women with questions that made me reflect on why we began in the first place. All of this finally made me ask, Is this what God would have me to do? If I felt called to do it in the first place, does a new baby change that?

So, here I am looking at new curriculum and planning on changing our approach from eclectic to classical this summer...drastic, right? Just when i thought it was over....I am still in prayer about it, but I think that the decision for me has been made pretty clear.

In the home stretch

I began writing this post early last week in the middle of my 37th week of this pregnancy. Although I had a pretty deep conclusion it began with me talking about how different this pregnancy has physically been from my other pregnancies.

I'd written over half of a page and lost it! Complete bummer. I stared at the blank screen for quite awhile mentally kicking my butt because I couldn't believe that I'd actually lost it!!! I sat for 2 days still with the memory of my words, but the lack of motivation to write them back down. Days passed and all I had was the picture that I had taken for the post of me and my baby girl and as I looked at us my heart began to change and so did my words.

I've been blessed (some would say lucky) to have good pregnancies and yes, with each new one there are new experiences, new things to worry about, and sometimes that new feeling like you've never done this thing before..... Especially if you wait 6 1/2 years between babies ;-) As I thought about my original post and how I wanted to talk about these new pains, my age, being in between ready & not ready to deliver, etc. I realized that sure I have a pain in my butt (literally) that I've never had before & sure I might feel anxious every now and then to meet this new pumpkin of mine, but I also cherish the kicks and flips that I won't get to experience once she's out.

Somewhere along the way I also had my baby sprinkle and again I felt more grateful than tired & achy (OK probably still achy)! So, here's my post. Every now and then I have an aha moment where in the midst of me thinking on a not so positive aspect of my life, God will reveal the positive in that same area. Like how sometimes I wish that my children (and sometimes even the hubster) weren't so loud, but then I'm reminded that at least I have the ability to hear them because someone somewhere is praying for that miracle. Our gratitude shouldn't just go toward the big blessings like a new home, car, or relationship but also to the things that we would otherwise complain about like that backache that comes from the miracle/blessing of experiencing pregnancy that someone somewhere is praying to experience. 

Ephesians 5:20 "Giving thanks always and for everything to God the father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ"