Prayer Closet, Bedroom, Hallway...Pray Anyway!

John 10:10NIV

"10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Tonight as my husband and I watched "war room" I thought about the prayers that we've been praying lately & I must say that I loved that movie (basically any Christian movie that has been directed by the people of fireproof & courageous has my vote) especially because it dealt with real issues and dealing with them through prayer.
I can attest to trying to fight a battle in my own strength and losing big time, but once i began to pray; God turned that thing around! This move, our struggles, & the fact that my family & I are still standing is a testament to that fact.
As I have been praying for this country each new day brings another horrific crime, attack, something just plain not good if you watch the news; however, it has been so easy to see the enemy's deceit in the news articles and stories. I recently read a facebook status where the guy basically called on the body of Christ to open our eyes and see the real war that we fighting & the movie tonight made me see that again.
As I watched I thought about how I've attempted praying in my closet only to have a child or hubby interrupt, or the phone ring, or some distraction that takes me away from my "prayer closet" & I was so captivated by how organized the closets were in the movie....so much so that I almost missed the point 😊
I realized that even though my prayer life is happening outside of my closet, my prayers are growing stronger & more focused. And though I aspire to be that organized prayer warrior, God is still molding me into a warrior...a very unorganized one, but one nonetheless.
When i took my eyes and mind off of how organized in prayer the main characters were, i was able to see & appreciate the real meaning of the movie. Our battles seem like surface problems, but they are small battles in a very big war & as long as the enemy can distract us with them & have us fighting what wasn't meant for us to fight anyway then that's one less soldier in the war using our weapon of prayer & intercession against him.
Even if I never manage to get my closet as organized as they had it in the movie, even if the song "come on in the room" doesn't take on a literal meaning for me, or my closet space hinders me from praying in it...i will pray anyway! We are soldiers and this is our greatest weapon so, why not use it? No matter where we use it at.

Busy with distractions

You ever sit down to read your bible and the phone rings, or a kid screams, or your husband needs you to help him find his keys? Lately, I've felt like this has been my life for awhile! I wake up super early, hide in a closet under a pile of clothes to pray and bam! "mommy! mommy! oh, there you are! good morning!" and like that life calls me from the closet. I say this all with a bit of humor, but seriously I see the distractions and feel powerless. I think, how did my mom get it done? I know that she got it done because I have awaken with many a oil cross on my forehead! She was the queen of anointing our home when I was growing up! I've tried to keep up that pattern and still my life seems overrun with distractions.

I can't just blame it on the random interruptions either though. There's also my phone, various social media outlets, random drives here and there, and numerous other things that take me away from the most important thing! I have deactivated almost all of my accounts at one time or another, purposely left my phone off or away from my person, etc. and still.....

Last night, while thinking about the passion that you have as a new Christian I thought about how committed you are to Jesus in the beginning! You want to get to know him and you want him to get to know you! You talk to him throughout the day and listen for him. For me as time has gone on I can see that I've replaced that time with him with stuff. As I think on it more, It reminds me of other relationships whether friendships or marriages, have I done the same thing? I don't think so, so why do that with God? I think because i know that he loves me and I know that his grace and mercy is abundant I have taken our relationship forgranted, but today! here and now I ask for that passion to reignite! More than ever as Christians we need to be on fire in a world that is so purposely trying to dim our light! So, I pray that we all find the time, the strength, the courage to rest in God's presence! I have been a mom and student before and there were times when i would start an assignment only to have to stop to finish dinner, kiss a boo-boo, read a book, etc. but the assignment still got done! If i had to stay up all night to finish it, i did. If i had to go to the library to get it done, i did. So as i think about this, I realize that despite the distractions it still has to get done. This post has been more for me than anyone else; however, I hope that in it you will find encouragement and if you're like me and distractions or life has gotten in the way of your time with God may you find the strength to take a stand against them today!

Send me i'll go (unless it's uncomfortable)

No graphics or pretty pics tonight, just my heart! This has truly been a season of stretching (pulling, tugging, rolling....you get the picture) and as uncomfortable and sometimes painful as it's been I can't dismiss that I've felt the presence of the Lord at every turn. I have complained and wanted to turn back more often than I can count and i'll be the first to admit that I don't foresee feeling truly comfortable in my new surroundings. As I was writing in my journal and "attempting" to get into the word this morning I thought of how difficult this journey has been for me. To some and sometimes even to me, my "problems" seem so microscopic compared to some of the problems that other people face, yet they feel so humongous at the time that i'm going through them. As I was writing I realized that i'm most uncomfortable when i'm being prodded and poked and every uncomfortable poke has resulted into something wonderful and for every painful prod, I've been forced to move on to dreams and goals from the past and even new ones. From an early age I knew what I wanted to be and though I immediately started working on it out of high school, I've had many delays yet I know that it will eventually come to pass because it's something that was spoken over my life and that I've prayed about since I was eleven and if I know nothing else, I know that even when God doesn't move in our timing his promises never go unfounded. So, while I was journaling I thought about how often I've said, "Lord, send me, i'll go" and as I've pondered that I've had to question whether i truly mean it? I mean I have constantly said and thought how great it would be to be a missionary family where my children would get to see how different and similar others live, how fortunate we are in our country, and how much God truly loves all of his children. I think that being a missionary is one of the greatest faith builders that any Christian could go through, but here I am a few cities away from where we began raising our family and shamefully i feel displaced, angry at the differences between the two cities, judgmental of the people, and so unlike my "glass half full" self. In my moment of self reflection I've realized that I've been willing to go where i'm comfortable, Jonah much? and where I've been uncomfortable, i can't say that I've been the picture of Jesus...Thank you Lord for grace! This journey so far has not only been uncomfortable and enlightening, but also a journey of maturity. In places where I've previously felt mature, I am having to re-examine and let God work through them. I've had to question who I am as a woman, wife, and mother of God when everything isn't roses. Mostly I've had to acknowledge that I am just now finding out what it means to truly trust God, that "use me" or "send me" is NOT for the faint of heart and trusting him truly means trusting him because you won't always see the road clearly. Throughout this journey I am seeing the word in action because I can truly say that God has never left me or forsaken me even when i've wanted to throw up the white flag, tuck my tail in, and run all the way back to my comfortable spot! I don't quite know where God is leading my family, but I am determined to get out of and stay out of his way and follow him!

Great at being ungrateful!

Us in our trusted truck circa 2009

You ever feel like you were at a lesson revisited? or maybe i'm just becoming my mom because I totally had a moment that felt like complete deja vu except my children were me (cue the 90's) and I was my mom....I had the same speech and all!

On our way home from church the other night the car was full of complaints! "She's too close to me", "this truck sucks," "there's no room," "we need a new car," blah blah blah blah blah! I fussed and threatened and stayed on repeat the entire 10 minute drive home! The situation was different, but the lesson the same and though I know for a fact that I learned a thing (literally) or two about being ungrateful when I was younger, the reminder on the way home was needed and appreciated.

I'll start with a summarized version of the past first:

When I was in sixth grade my grandmother gave my mother a car that was paid off. I didn't understand the significance of a car without payments then, but I can sure understand and appreciate it now. Although the car was paid for, it had seen far better days and to be real appearance was EVERYTHING to a sixth grader. Nice cars, nice clothe, nice shoes, etc. if anything fell outside of "nice," you were bound to get picked on and since this was pre anti-bullying campaign you just had to deal with it. So on the first day of my mom driving me to school in our new (old) car I had specific instructions for her. "Ma, could you pick me up on the dirt road behind the school this afternoon," I asked. "Sure. Are you embarrassed by the car?" my mom asked. "Yes" was probably the wrong thing to say to the "queen on teaching lessons!"

long story short, the bell rang that day and the first car parked in the bus lane in the very FRONT of the school was mine and to take it a step further my mom blew the horn and called my name....there was absolutely no way to avoid her or the ugly car. As I got my mortified little booty into the car my mom gave me a lecture that i'll always remember. She said, "while you're worried about what the other children will say about your car, where are theirs?" look on those buses at all of those kids. you have a mother who not only works but drops off and pick you up every single day. No matter how unattractive the car is on the outside, it gets us from point A to point B and we own it. When our car broke down, God immediately blessed us with another one. We didn't have to ask for a ride, catch a bus, or walk to where we needed to go! How can God bless you with something better, if you don't appreciate what he has already blessed you with?

Back to the present:

We are currently a car short of what we had last year and at first I also did my share of complaining. We had a baby on the way and It was during the time that I felt like this move was more of a curse than a blessing. I just didn't see how we could manage with the remaining cars, but eventually my heart changed when I realized that what is remaining is ours and although not huge and roomy they are just right for our family! As my children complained and I fussed and threatened the question my mom posed back then came back to me, How can God bless you with something better if you don't appreciate what he has already blessed you with? Hopefully, my children will remember that question like I have over the years! Sometimes our blessings don't look like we want them to, but they're blessings just the same!

One month of lessons and blessings!

Sleeping while mommy's trying to document month one

The first month with little baby is almost over and just when I think that I know it all, I learn something new!

Even before my sweet little baby girl got here, I was more than positive that I had life as a new mom (again) in the bag! I mean let's look at the facts: I already have four children, none of the older kids are under five (BIGGIE since I had four under five at one time), everyone is self sufficient, and again I ALREADY HAVE FOUR KIDS! but here's the truth...

Although i'm older and wiser (not quite confident in that) and I've been here and done this, it's still new! Who knew? I have experienced some new things that I didn't with the other four like "breast-milk jaundice!" What?!! Totally caught me off guard!! I've been ready to have little baby put under that light thingy every week since we got home just to be told that it's non-threatening and will get better. Or over active letdown and reflux...huh? last time we spent a month worrying about whether I was making enough milk and now i'm making too much! It has been interesting to say the least and you know how i'm supposed to be embracing change and going with the flow? Well, I've had my moments of screaming, why can't things just be like before?

So here's the lesson! As I am watching little baby like a hawk to make sure that she isn't choking on her spit-up because of reflux, she smiles or coos! and ya know what? all is right with the world again! I am reminded that even though seasons change and one day a tree may be full of beautiful leaves and the next day completely bare, it will eventually change again! So as I complain about these new worries or compare the past to the present, I get a glimpse of the future.....one day today, these worries, joys and new experiences will just be a memory so I better enjoy them now while they are happening!

Just when I thought I had it

Philippians 4:6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"

Contentment that is! Argh. So the back story is that my family and I moved 2 1/2 years ago, the move has been less than pleasant and I've found myself praying, confused, and just down right discontent with this new place and my new role in it. I don't do resolutions for the new year, but I will reflect and set goals or pray about areas in my life that need more of God in them (I.e. helping me to remain positive when I want to be really negative). So, at the beginning of this year I decided that I would put all of my strength in finding contentment in this move.....it has been 2 years, right? I prayed and gave all of my negative feelings about it to God and decided that I would have peace with the move until God moved us or showed me that there was a purpose here because Lord knows I have yet to see one. I hadn't had any completely negative thoughts since then, but lately I've began feeling like I want to move again and with that feeling always comes mega confusion. We did pray before the move, we did get our church's blessing, & doors opened supernaturally and even with all of that I have never been comfortable here, we've had many battles, moved churches 3 times, & there's just an overall sense of discontentment....God wouldn't move us from order to chaos! Yet I think that there has to be a lesson here. Either way I can't say that I am good at tests, even when I think that I've mastered one and grown in some way or another (whether I've gained more patience or discernment, etc.) I find myself thrust into a new one and feeling like I'm failing. When I am weak, he is strong and in this season that's what I have to keep holding on to! 

I'm in love...Again!!

I started this post almost a month ago! Today the little baby is a month old and I can't express how much joy her presence has brought me in this month and I look forward to every one of her upcoming milestones. I have always looked at motherhood as a blessing even a calling b/c what we do and say to these little ones will shape who they are and what they become in the future. So for me I can see that God has a purpose in choosing me to be a vessel that shapes a small part of the future (if that makes sense since I'm writing  on about 3 hours of sleep.lol.). I've always wanted to do something huge in this lifetime and even though that looked different to me when I was younger, I can see and appreciate the significance of being a parent especially a mom. Sometimes I find myself just staring at the little baby amazed by her beauty, her little hands and feet, her dependence on me, etc. But mostly I'm just grateful that she's mine! I think it's true what they say, that you've never known love on this earth until you've become a mom. As I type that I can't help but think about God's love for us and to think that my love for my kids could never touch his love for us makes me want to do a praise dance! So this post is just a "thank you" to God! For his blessings, for new life, for his love, & most importantly for Jesus!