Prayer Closet, Bedroom, Hallway...Pray Anyway!

John 10:10NIV

"10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Tonight as my husband and I watched "war room" I thought about the prayers that we've been praying lately & I must say that I loved that movie (basically any Christian movie that has been directed by the people of fireproof & courageous has my vote) especially because it dealt with real issues and dealing with them through prayer.
I can attest to trying to fight a battle in my own strength and losing big time, but once i began to pray; God turned that thing around! This move, our struggles, & the fact that my family & I are still standing is a testament to that fact.
As I have been praying for this country each new day brings another horrific crime, attack, something just plain not good if you watch the news; however, it has been so easy to see the enemy's deceit in the news articles and stories. I recently read a facebook status where the guy basically called on the body of Christ to open our eyes and see the real war that we fighting & the movie tonight made me see that again.
As I watched I thought about how I've attempted praying in my closet only to have a child or hubby interrupt, or the phone ring, or some distraction that takes me away from my "prayer closet" & I was so captivated by how organized the closets were in the movie....so much so that I almost missed the point 😊
I realized that even though my prayer life is happening outside of my closet, my prayers are growing stronger & more focused. And though I aspire to be that organized prayer warrior, God is still molding me into a warrior...a very unorganized one, but one nonetheless.
When i took my eyes and mind off of how organized in prayer the main characters were, i was able to see & appreciate the real meaning of the movie. Our battles seem like surface problems, but they are small battles in a very big war & as long as the enemy can distract us with them & have us fighting what wasn't meant for us to fight anyway then that's one less soldier in the war using our weapon of prayer & intercession against him.
Even if I never manage to get my closet as organized as they had it in the movie, even if the song "come on in the room" doesn't take on a literal meaning for me, or my closet space hinders me from praying in it...i will pray anyway! We are soldiers and this is our greatest weapon so, why not use it? No matter where we use it at.

Busy with distractions

You ever sit down to read your bible and the phone rings, or a kid screams, or your husband needs you to help him find his keys? Lately, I've felt like this has been my life for awhile! I wake up super early, hide in a closet under a pile of clothes to pray and bam! "mommy! mommy! oh, there you are! good morning!" and like that life calls me from the closet. I say this all with a bit of humor, but seriously I see the distractions and feel powerless. I think, how did my mom get it done? I know that she got it done because I have awaken with many a oil cross on my forehead! She was the queen of anointing our home when I was growing up! I've tried to keep up that pattern and still my life seems overrun with distractions.

I can't just blame it on the random interruptions either though. There's also my phone, various social media outlets, random drives here and there, and numerous other things that take me away from the most important thing! I have deactivated almost all of my accounts at one time or another, purposely left my phone off or away from my person, etc. and still.....

Last night, while thinking about the passion that you have as a new Christian I thought about how committed you are to Jesus in the beginning! You want to get to know him and you want him to get to know you! You talk to him throughout the day and listen for him. For me as time has gone on I can see that I've replaced that time with him with stuff. As I think on it more, It reminds me of other relationships whether friendships or marriages, have I done the same thing? I don't think so, so why do that with God? I think because i know that he loves me and I know that his grace and mercy is abundant I have taken our relationship forgranted, but today! here and now I ask for that passion to reignite! More than ever as Christians we need to be on fire in a world that is so purposely trying to dim our light! So, I pray that we all find the time, the strength, the courage to rest in God's presence! I have been a mom and student before and there were times when i would start an assignment only to have to stop to finish dinner, kiss a boo-boo, read a book, etc. but the assignment still got done! If i had to stay up all night to finish it, i did. If i had to go to the library to get it done, i did. So as i think about this, I realize that despite the distractions it still has to get done. This post has been more for me than anyone else; however, I hope that in it you will find encouragement and if you're like me and distractions or life has gotten in the way of your time with God may you find the strength to take a stand against them today!

Send me i'll go (unless it's uncomfortable)

No graphics or pretty pics tonight, just my heart! This has truly been a season of stretching (pulling, tugging, rolling....you get the picture) and as uncomfortable and sometimes painful as it's been I can't dismiss that I've felt the presence of the Lord at every turn. I have complained and wanted to turn back more often than I can count and i'll be the first to admit that I don't foresee feeling truly comfortable in my new surroundings. As I was writing in my journal and "attempting" to get into the word this morning I thought of how difficult this journey has been for me. To some and sometimes even to me, my "problems" seem so microscopic compared to some of the problems that other people face, yet they feel so humongous at the time that i'm going through them. As I was writing I realized that i'm most uncomfortable when i'm being prodded and poked and every uncomfortable poke has resulted into something wonderful and for every painful prod, I've been forced to move on to dreams and goals from the past and even new ones. From an early age I knew what I wanted to be and though I immediately started working on it out of high school, I've had many delays yet I know that it will eventually come to pass because it's something that was spoken over my life and that I've prayed about since I was eleven and if I know nothing else, I know that even when God doesn't move in our timing his promises never go unfounded. So, while I was journaling I thought about how often I've said, "Lord, send me, i'll go" and as I've pondered that I've had to question whether i truly mean it? I mean I have constantly said and thought how great it would be to be a missionary family where my children would get to see how different and similar others live, how fortunate we are in our country, and how much God truly loves all of his children. I think that being a missionary is one of the greatest faith builders that any Christian could go through, but here I am a few cities away from where we began raising our family and shamefully i feel displaced, angry at the differences between the two cities, judgmental of the people, and so unlike my "glass half full" self. In my moment of self reflection I've realized that I've been willing to go where i'm comfortable, Jonah much? and where I've been uncomfortable, i can't say that I've been the picture of Jesus...Thank you Lord for grace! This journey so far has not only been uncomfortable and enlightening, but also a journey of maturity. In places where I've previously felt mature, I am having to re-examine and let God work through them. I've had to question who I am as a woman, wife, and mother of God when everything isn't roses. Mostly I've had to acknowledge that I am just now finding out what it means to truly trust God, that "use me" or "send me" is NOT for the faint of heart and trusting him truly means trusting him because you won't always see the road clearly. Throughout this journey I am seeing the word in action because I can truly say that God has never left me or forsaken me even when i've wanted to throw up the white flag, tuck my tail in, and run all the way back to my comfortable spot! I don't quite know where God is leading my family, but I am determined to get out of and stay out of his way and follow him!

Great at being ungrateful!

Us in our trusted truck circa 2009

You ever feel like you were at a lesson revisited? or maybe i'm just becoming my mom because I totally had a moment that felt like complete deja vu except my children were me (cue the 90's) and I was my mom....I had the same speech and all!

On our way home from church the other night the car was full of complaints! "She's too close to me", "this truck sucks," "there's no room," "we need a new car," blah blah blah blah blah! I fussed and threatened and stayed on repeat the entire 10 minute drive home! The situation was different, but the lesson the same and though I know for a fact that I learned a thing (literally) or two about being ungrateful when I was younger, the reminder on the way home was needed and appreciated.

I'll start with a summarized version of the past first:

When I was in sixth grade my grandmother gave my mother a car that was paid off. I didn't understand the significance of a car without payments then, but I can sure understand and appreciate it now. Although the car was paid for, it had seen far better days and to be real appearance was EVERYTHING to a sixth grader. Nice cars, nice clothe, nice shoes, etc. if anything fell outside of "nice," you were bound to get picked on and since this was pre anti-bullying campaign you just had to deal with it. So on the first day of my mom driving me to school in our new (old) car I had specific instructions for her. "Ma, could you pick me up on the dirt road behind the school this afternoon," I asked. "Sure. Are you embarrassed by the car?" my mom asked. "Yes" was probably the wrong thing to say to the "queen on teaching lessons!"

long story short, the bell rang that day and the first car parked in the bus lane in the very FRONT of the school was mine and to take it a step further my mom blew the horn and called my name....there was absolutely no way to avoid her or the ugly car. As I got my mortified little booty into the car my mom gave me a lecture that i'll always remember. She said, "while you're worried about what the other children will say about your car, where are theirs?" look on those buses at all of those kids. you have a mother who not only works but drops off and pick you up every single day. No matter how unattractive the car is on the outside, it gets us from point A to point B and we own it. When our car broke down, God immediately blessed us with another one. We didn't have to ask for a ride, catch a bus, or walk to where we needed to go! How can God bless you with something better, if you don't appreciate what he has already blessed you with?

Back to the present:

We are currently a car short of what we had last year and at first I also did my share of complaining. We had a baby on the way and It was during the time that I felt like this move was more of a curse than a blessing. I just didn't see how we could manage with the remaining cars, but eventually my heart changed when I realized that what is remaining is ours and although not huge and roomy they are just right for our family! As my children complained and I fussed and threatened the question my mom posed back then came back to me, How can God bless you with something better if you don't appreciate what he has already blessed you with? Hopefully, my children will remember that question like I have over the years! Sometimes our blessings don't look like we want them to, but they're blessings just the same!

One month of lessons and blessings!

Sleeping while mommy's trying to document month one

The first month with little baby is almost over and just when I think that I know it all, I learn something new!

Even before my sweet little baby girl got here, I was more than positive that I had life as a new mom (again) in the bag! I mean let's look at the facts: I already have four children, none of the older kids are under five (BIGGIE since I had four under five at one time), everyone is self sufficient, and again I ALREADY HAVE FOUR KIDS! but here's the truth...

Although i'm older and wiser (not quite confident in that) and I've been here and done this, it's still new! Who knew? I have experienced some new things that I didn't with the other four like "breast-milk jaundice!" What?!! Totally caught me off guard!! I've been ready to have little baby put under that light thingy every week since we got home just to be told that it's non-threatening and will get better. Or over active letdown and reflux...huh? last time we spent a month worrying about whether I was making enough milk and now i'm making too much! It has been interesting to say the least and you know how i'm supposed to be embracing change and going with the flow? Well, I've had my moments of screaming, why can't things just be like before?

So here's the lesson! As I am watching little baby like a hawk to make sure that she isn't choking on her spit-up because of reflux, she smiles or coos! and ya know what? all is right with the world again! I am reminded that even though seasons change and one day a tree may be full of beautiful leaves and the next day completely bare, it will eventually change again! So as I complain about these new worries or compare the past to the present, I get a glimpse of the future.....one day today, these worries, joys and new experiences will just be a memory so I better enjoy them now while they are happening!

Just when I thought I had it

Philippians 4:6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God"

Contentment that is! Argh. So the back story is that my family and I moved 2 1/2 years ago, the move has been less than pleasant and I've found myself praying, confused, and just down right discontent with this new place and my new role in it. I don't do resolutions for the new year, but I will reflect and set goals or pray about areas in my life that need more of God in them (I.e. helping me to remain positive when I want to be really negative). So, at the beginning of this year I decided that I would put all of my strength in finding contentment in this move.....it has been 2 years, right? I prayed and gave all of my negative feelings about it to God and decided that I would have peace with the move until God moved us or showed me that there was a purpose here because Lord knows I have yet to see one. I hadn't had any completely negative thoughts since then, but lately I've began feeling like I want to move again and with that feeling always comes mega confusion. We did pray before the move, we did get our church's blessing, & doors opened supernaturally and even with all of that I have never been comfortable here, we've had many battles, moved churches 3 times, & there's just an overall sense of discontentment....God wouldn't move us from order to chaos! Yet I think that there has to be a lesson here. Either way I can't say that I am good at tests, even when I think that I've mastered one and grown in some way or another (whether I've gained more patience or discernment, etc.) I find myself thrust into a new one and feeling like I'm failing. When I am weak, he is strong and in this season that's what I have to keep holding on to! 

I'm in love...Again!!

I started this post almost a month ago! Today the little baby is a month old and I can't express how much joy her presence has brought me in this month and I look forward to every one of her upcoming milestones. I have always looked at motherhood as a blessing even a calling b/c what we do and say to these little ones will shape who they are and what they become in the future. So for me I can see that God has a purpose in choosing me to be a vessel that shapes a small part of the future (if that makes sense since I'm writing  on about 3 hours of sleep.lol.). I've always wanted to do something huge in this lifetime and even though that looked different to me when I was younger, I can see and appreciate the significance of being a parent especially a mom. Sometimes I find myself just staring at the little baby amazed by her beauty, her little hands and feet, her dependence on me, etc. But mostly I'm just grateful that she's mine! I think it's true what they say, that you've never known love on this earth until you've become a mom. As I type that I can't help but think about God's love for us and to think that my love for my kids could never touch his love for us makes me want to do a praise dance! So this post is just a "thank you" to God! For his blessings, for new life, for his love, & most importantly for Jesus!

Homeschool, Private School, Ahhhhh!

Hebrews 10:36 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised"

Decisions, decisions! Don't you just hate them? Alright, so not really, but I would be a much more sane person if I didn't have to make so many hard ones....mainly when I want to be selfish & then something forces me to see my own selfish ways! That's when i think to myself that sometimes being an adult is mushy apples....No, not the good apple sauce kind, but the rotten 'left in the cabinet too long' kind.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I was beyond positive that I was sending my older four to private school because we would have a new baby and I didn't see how I would get it all done!

I must admit that i made the decision mid horrible morning sickness and I'd also had a moment in the beginning where this felt like my first pregnancy and i'd forgotten that there was a time when I had four kids under age 5 and made it through, but nonetheless the picture in my head of homeschooling 4 w/ a baby looked pretty bad!!!

picture in my head....thanks planned parenthood!

I didn't even pray about it, it was more of a "thank you God for the opportunity, it's been a good run" type of thing. I was so sure of this decision that I scheduled a few tours, took care of the financial stuff, and started looking at uniforms. Oh, they were in private school come next fall!

I was so sure this whole pregnancy and then in this last trimester I've finally been forced to ask God about it because I wasn't sure anymore. There was this whole women's conference thing where I remembered my mission to my children. Then I met women with questions that made me reflect on why we began in the first place. All of this finally made me ask, Is this what God would have me to do? If I felt called to do it in the first place, does a new baby change that?

So, here I am looking at new curriculum and planning on changing our approach from eclectic to classical this summer...drastic, right? Just when i thought it was over....I am still in prayer about it, but I think that the decision for me has been made pretty clear.

In the home stretch

I began writing this post early last week in the middle of my 37th week of this pregnancy. Although I had a pretty deep conclusion it began with me talking about how different this pregnancy has physically been from my other pregnancies.

I'd written over half of a page and lost it! Complete bummer. I stared at the blank screen for quite awhile mentally kicking my butt because I couldn't believe that I'd actually lost it!!! I sat for 2 days still with the memory of my words, but the lack of motivation to write them back down. Days passed and all I had was the picture that I had taken for the post of me and my baby girl and as I looked at us my heart began to change and so did my words.

I've been blessed (some would say lucky) to have good pregnancies and yes, with each new one there are new experiences, new things to worry about, and sometimes that new feeling like you've never done this thing before..... Especially if you wait 6 1/2 years between babies ;-) As I thought about my original post and how I wanted to talk about these new pains, my age, being in between ready & not ready to deliver, etc. I realized that sure I have a pain in my butt (literally) that I've never had before & sure I might feel anxious every now and then to meet this new pumpkin of mine, but I also cherish the kicks and flips that I won't get to experience once she's out.

Somewhere along the way I also had my baby sprinkle and again I felt more grateful than tired & achy (OK probably still achy)! So, here's my post. Every now and then I have an aha moment where in the midst of me thinking on a not so positive aspect of my life, God will reveal the positive in that same area. Like how sometimes I wish that my children (and sometimes even the hubster) weren't so loud, but then I'm reminded that at least I have the ability to hear them because someone somewhere is praying for that miracle. Our gratitude shouldn't just go toward the big blessings like a new home, car, or relationship but also to the things that we would otherwise complain about like that backache that comes from the miracle/blessing of experiencing pregnancy that someone somewhere is praying to experience. 

Ephesians 5:20 "Giving thanks always and for everything to God the father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ"

It Is Well - Kristene DiMarco

One of my favorite worship songs! through anything that I've been through! For every mountain that erected itself in front of me, end the end it has always been well w/ me!

Ressurection Sunday (Easter)

This is a late post since the blog is new, but one that I wanted to share.

No baskets this year because our church took care of them! So to do something personal the kids, hubs & I wrote the sins that we struggle w/ daily on pebbles (attitudes, disobedience, etc) & placed them into bags. When we got up on Sunday morning our "sins"  had been taken out of our bags (or taken from us) & placed around the cross and in the kids bags they'd been replaced w/ gifts (blessings--a holy bible, candy, & a few toys). 

I got the idea from pinterest but thought that it was such an awesome way to have the children grasp what Jesus did for us on the cross :-)

I fail

I don't always have a servant's heart. Yep, I said it....albeit through clenched teeth, but its out there! I sometimes will leave a mess for a little while because I feel unappreciated by my husband and children. Who do they think that I am? I think. Do I look like mama maid? I say to myself. God created me for more than sweeping and mopping plus, I just did all of this yesterday and look my work is already destroyed! I argue in my head. Sometimes I simmer to a boil and out of the heart the mouth speaks! "You can all do more," I fuss. "I am not the maid" I nag! "There is a chore list for a reason!" And I go on and on and on.

Sometimes my simmer is cooled by the thought that Jesus did it all w/o getting anything in return. How many of the lame were healed and ran off to do their on thing? He took the short end of the stick WILLINGLY so that we would live and not suffer in hell! That's a sobering thought. I am definitely a work in progress! I'm learning to commit my thoughts daily before my feet even hit the floor because I've learned that, that's where I fail first....in my thoughts & then through my actions!

If I don't commit my thoughts, its inevitable that I suffer the "me-mes." You know, the "why me?" The "how me?" The "they don't appreciate me!" and so I sometimes selfishly react by that. I wait to clean to see whose going to help before I have to ask. I read a quote by Mother Teresa that said "do it anyway" it goes through all these things like being a home maker that might make you feel unappreciated or you may find happiness that causes others to be jealous, but she says do it anyway because ultimately it was never about you and them, but about you and God anyway! 

I know that God called me to my home to serve him! To Shepard my children as the next generation of believers! To teach them to serve him & be unashamed & unafraid in a world that's becoming more hostile towards him. I sometimes still struggle w/ what I was certain God wanted me to do from an early age and what that looks like today! Very similar, but still different! When I want to be selfish and say, "but God, why can't I do this & that instead of that and this" I have to remember that no matter how small the task may seem, I am still on a big assignment. 

My mission didn't turn out to be in China or Africa, but its at home and it's still just as important so I'll stand on Ephesians 6:7 "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people." 

I thank God that his mercies are new EVERY MORNING because still sometimes, I fail!

Shaken

I'm a planner. I will be the first to admit that I like to know the what? the when? the how? the who? and the why? and please give me time to prepare for them all. In other words, I am a control freak! Yes, i said it and as hard as it is to admit, it's the truth! To say that I planned our move down to the second two years ago would be an understatement. My husband and I discussed, we prayed, we visited, and then we prayed some more. Doors began to open, Our church family gave us their blessing and prayed for and with us, A job was basically handed to us (literally), we found the house and the "best school in the district" too.....everything was perfect and there was no way that things could go wrong.

I'm a planner. Did I mention that? I would learn that my need to have everything planned actually meant that I liked to be in control, who knew? At the beginning of our move I was more than certain that this was a "God move" because there were far too many things that happened supernaturally to get us here and nothing could shake my resolve. So, when a week into our move my husband's new job started requiring more hours than are in a day, I prayed. When my children's school seemed to do everything in it's power to push me out, I prayed. When it seemed that we didn't quite fit in at any church, I prayed. When the battles seemed to mess with my body, I prayed. For every obstacle I prayed and even better I still had my prayer partners back home waiting for my call so that they could help me pray those obstacles back to hell where they belonged, but even still my neat little plan seemed to be unraveling at every seam. (Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there in the midst of them")

I am the oldest child of three and I've always been called the "strong one" by everyone even as a child....my husband even picked up saying it to me when we got together. So to say that absolutely nothing should get the best of me would be an accurate statement or so I was always taught to believe. I'm the one that's supposed to let life throw darts and never get hit like one of those super heroes that has a movie produced in his/her name once a year, but here I was a year and a half into this move and fighting far too many darts for my own human strength so this "strong one" was out for the count! I won't lie, my strength was zapped and my white flag was coming out. I was giving up, who signed up for this anyway? My prayers began to change from, "Lord, you see this problem, deal with it" to "Lord, send me back to my old life!" Seriously, pre-move life was great! My church home was fantastic, My children's school was beyond amazing, and my career allowed me to work from home and around my children plus, bring in extra money. It was near perfect except for my husband feeling unfulfilled in his career, but hey! my life was good and this new one wasn't so, I was ready for God to send us back to complacent city.

After all of my planning this move looked nothing like I imagined. The road was bumpy and out of my control and I didn't like it at all! My marriage looked different, my children were acting different, the churches were different, even the same organizations that I volunteered for in my old city were different, but most of all I was beginning to seem different. I couldn't really identify with the Proverbs 31 woman anymore. I wasn't the "strong one" and I often resembled a three year old thrown into a big tantrum during my talks with God until i eventually stopped talking or listening. I was frustrated because I didn't understand this journey or season. I was depressed because we did everything right before the move and I didn't understand why we were being tested. Why was satan seeming to win? I wonder if Job felt that way?

After months of laying prostrate I got a swift kick in the butt. Whose am I? What was the difference between here and now and then and there? The truth is that i was complacent before. It was easy to trust God because i'd had no real tests. My husband had a flexible job so he was there for everything (plays, doctor's visits, etc.), Even when I felt called to homeschool I never stepped out and did it because the kids were in an amazing school that I volunteered at three times a week. I knew my ministry went beyond church, but i was already singing in the choir, working kids church & VBS every year so that was enough, right? From the very beginning of my career God was preparing me for my own business but i worked for a great christian man w/ an amazing testimony so, there was really no need to fix what wasn't broken! What was the difference? All of those "obstacles" were making me step out on the things that I knew God had called me for. The difference was that in this new place and new season "trusting God" took on a new more literal meaning! I had to trust him for real because i was in some real battles ( Ephesians 6:12 "for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in heavenly places") My marriage was at stake, my children were at stake, my faith was at stake, my very life was at stake. Giving him total control over this move while in the midst of these battles was hard and for awhile I didn't get it and was trying to fight in my own strength, but ultimately HE was the only way that I survived. It was in my weakness that i found strength! When I was at the very edge of the cliff ready to jump that I got my wings (Isaiah 40:31 "but those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint")

In my own own strength I found out that it was nonexistent. I was shaken and while being shaken I've also had to stepped out on faith and into my purpose. If you are facing a battle, don't give up! trust that God has you and your situation. Who do you belong to?